I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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