My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I'm really busy with my period
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