highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
