Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
