Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
