can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
