what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
