so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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