My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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