We're like a lot better than the average bears
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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