There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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