this boner is exhausting
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
