i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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