I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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