It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
