Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
