No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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