I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
