apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
