I'm so fucking centered right now
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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