Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
