my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
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Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
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I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize