in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
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She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
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I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
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