I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Randomize
