My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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