then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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