I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
