Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
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