dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
hell yes lets make some ravioli
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
