You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
