i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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