My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
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