Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
