i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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