Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
