I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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