If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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