And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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