Don't make out with my wife yet
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
