I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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