He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
