I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
