Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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