I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Randomize
