If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
