yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
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HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
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Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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