when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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