Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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