i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
