we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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