New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
