Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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