she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
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