I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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